I now know how to ensure that our country, the great US of A, has the fastest Women’s Track Team in the Whole World. Forget shooting off those gun thingies which could startle people to the point of just falling down uselessly. Plus they have undertones of violence. Not good. What we need is a great big couch. “A couch – for a track team? Have you lost your mind?”, you ask. Well, just bear with me for a little minute and all will become clear… or at least… um…less unclear. Any way, we just have to put our lady athletes (and the guys that are in touch with their feminine side and/or are gay and actually take care of their skin )all sitting next to each other on a giant couch and slather their faces with some clarifying facial mask. This is the Official Starting Line. Place a sink with running warm water and a dampened washcloth for each contestant just beyond the Official Finish Line. Follow this up with all of the runner’s significant others suddenly walking onto the track when they were supposed to still be at Home Depot and you will have the Official Start. Trips to Home Depot ordinarily take a really LONG TIME because they have to look at thousands of man-toys before deciding which ones to decorate the inside of the garage or the “yard shed” with. You won’t have to shoot off anything or even yell “GO” for the race to be Officially Started.. Nope. You won’t have to do or say anything because trust me, these people will shout “EEEEEK” or “AHHHHHHH” or “CRAAAAAAP” or something else along these lines and run like hell for the sink. They will break all land-speed records to get to that sink and get the damn skin smoothing, softening, and perfecting crap that they spent a whole bunch of money on – off. Yup, they want that stuff off now. Better yet, sooner than now… like several minutes sooner than now. I have, because I am a caring person, personally tested this theory for all Olympic Track Team Coaches. I have, myself, broken the land speed record running from the couch to the sink because I care enough to do the research. Not because this happened to me when my boyfriend did not spend enough time at Home Depot, but because I am a PATRIOT and care about my country winning more Olympic events. Oh, yeah. In track.

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